How People Pleasing Thrives in South Asian Communities
People Pleasing behavior thrives in South Asian communities because of our underlying collectivist culture and the impact of colonialism. These manifest in our cultural norms which add fuel to this intergenerational fire. Cultural norms like fighting over the check at restaurants, giving up your bed for your guest, and making major life decisions based on what parents want to name a few.
How People Pleasing Tendencies Can Show Up As Norms In South Asian Culture :
Financial Expectations (according to Natasha Khawja, @purposeandchai)
Whenever our parents ask us for money or we're told to send money to a random relative back in India, we comply — even if it hurts us financially because we are trying to people please.
"It became standard to try and pick up the bill, even when I knew I couldn't afford to, because this was something I'd seen up front and center in South Asian culture. I footed the bill for family members for things like car payments, eating out, shopping expenses, and buying gifts when I wasn't in a position to. I think a lot of it was centered around the idea of people pleasing and trying to ensure others were happy, even if I was doing so at the detriment of my own finances". Natasha added, "Many of these financial decisions were often based on guilt."
Transactional Love
Being praised, shown affection, or financially rewarded
for doing chores
choosing the job or life partner that aligns with what parents expect and want
helping out with siblings
having kid(s)
not arguing or talking back
being self-sacrificial and prioritizing others wants and needs above yours
Punished for saying no or for making “selfish” choices that don’t align with parental wants through withdrawal of affection, emotional manipulation, gaslighting, verbal attacks or threats
